Why did the turkey cross the road?

I was having a dream where I had been standing in a drug store staring at a bottle of red liquid, going over my symptoms in my head for the longest time. I was wearing a sleeping bag over my clothes. Aaron came in and I didn't say anything to him. I was scared people would know I was stoned. As I debated between the red liquid and any other option, I also grabbed something else, waited in line, and was right behind Aaron, but we still didn't talk. I guess maybe he could tell something was wrong. He'd look at me and raise his eyebrows. I'm sure I looked like the wrath of G-d.
When I left the store, my car was in a garage type thing and as I unlocked my car, I had a pizza that was huge so I hit the button to unlock the back doors and as I opened the back door and slid the pizza in, I noticed the door on the other side was open. I walked around, closed it, and when I came back to the driver door, my cat Kizzy was there. I got in and suddenly my car was out in the open, in the snow, and I kept having to back up and turn 90 degrees until I was completely turned around. Then I saw Alison's car pull in, but she didn't see me. As I was driving, I was telling Kizzy that I used to live in this neighborhood and I had forgotten that the street was bark dust. I was going to turn right, but there was a big red truck coming from the left so I decided to wait. I looked to the right and saw a cartoonish looking turkey, and he was going to attempt to cross the street. He took some deep breaths as the truck came closer, then he ran. As he ran, I was sure he was going to make it, until the truck veered to hit him. I heard the driver yell, "Hey Mitch, look and see if I got the turkey," as he drove off. I went running over and saw that the bird was no longer red and yellow or turkey, but a little brown wren like bird, and it was holding it's left leg. It had ended up on a fence post. I must have been on a bike because I offered it a wheel, and it extended it's hollow snout where a beak once was, and it sniffed, stepped on and hopped down to the ground. I put my hand in my sleeve and offered it my arm to sniff. It used it's snout like a trunk and suctioned itself to the fabric of my red fleece jacket. I asked if it was ok and it told me that it couldn't see. But it was telepathic. I picked up the bird and found the closest neighbor, at the house where the turkey had crossed from. I asked him if the turkey was his and he said no. I picked up the bird and thought, "I want to keep it."

Then my alarm went off and I woke up in a feverish sweat.

Fool in the Rain

Today I was requested to write a letter of rec for a colleague, whom I admire. But then I think about how wonderful it will be to have that individual out of my life. I feel like this is one of those blessings in a small package. I can speak my peace and move on. And I can rest assured that they have moved on in a way that makes them happiest.

I have been off of Facebook for a little over a month now. Sometimes I think that I should just break down and go back. Catch up with my family and friends. I missed the death of a friend's Grandmother. I missed a string of tornadoes in the mid-west that effected my aunt and her family. I missed photos from a friend's trip to Iceland.

I am caught up on all of my shows. New Girl, Parenthood, How I Met Your Mother, and a couple others. I tried watching Portlandia, but it really isn't funny to me. I can understand how it could be funny to someone who doesn't really know. I learned today that Seattle elected a socialist to a seat on their city council. I'm glad that someone is awake and paying attention.

I started a scrapbook tonight. Throwing things away keeps getting easier. And the things that I have to keep, I'm putting them in a book. It's working. I've found stickers and I stuck them to the book. Stickers I could only buy once, because they are from France and Germany. But I figured it was better to stick them somewhere, than let them sit in a drawer and rot. I believe that I can empty the bottom right drawer into the scrap book and my cloud box. It will be my place for things of my past that still feel like me. Things that still bring me joy to look through. I'm never happier than when I'm going through these things. If they don't make me happy, I am getting better at throwing them away. If they do make me happy, I put them in the book. Something I can flip through and remember.

Tonight, my aforementioned crush asked me to do something tomorrow night. I cannot believe that I said no. I'm going to see a performance of "American Idiot" on stage. I think it will be good. I wonder if it will be better than hanging out with Patrick. Spending time with him isn't as glamorous as I like to think it is. Usually we get high and I close myself off and become completely insecure and I hang on every word and over analyze what he could mean by simple things such as "I'm hungry" or "Would you like more water."

I drink a lot of water. More than I ever have before in my life. One day this year, the Saturday of Labor Dave, I drank 64oz in 12 hours. I think I hit the Honey Buckets at least 6 times. When I'm nervous or insecure, I drink even more. Of course I'd like more water. Drown me already.

This house has nearly served it's purpose. I told myself 3 years. I could have 3 years. 10 months later I am ready for the next challenge. I'm quite proud of how much I'm letting go. It won't be so hard to move. There isn't as much this time around. Not like last time.

I'm looking to move into a studio. I just want one room of my things. I think I need to take some measurements. I do have a lot of big furniture. My art table seems more natural in a living space. More likely to inspire others to create. I bet I have 420sqft of furniture. I might have to let go of a couple chairs.

Last winter we invented the best drinking game for this space. I am determined to play it one more time before I leave. I just wish that I could have the house to myself every once in awhile.    

Proud

Today I'm really proud of myself. I don't get to say that very often, but today I was motivated and bold, and both served me well.

Sometimes, I get competitive. I don't have a degree, but I have a job and cannot justify going back to school in this economy. Luckily the state of Oregon agrees and has developed a Professional Development program in my field. It not only looks at the college courses I have taken, but also takes into consideration the seminars and conferences that I attend regularly, and gives me a "step." Yes, it's a 12 step program. Eventually you will have to have a certain step in order to work. I am ahead of the game. I am at a higher step than I need, and today I learned that my direct co-worker is not even close. Somehow that pushed me to try even harder. If she's not going to shine, I need to shine again and prove myself. So I gathered all of my information and I will be registering for the next "step" this week. There is a $500 award for achieving a new step. One year from now, I will turn in additional courses and such, and will be awarded an additional $500 for making it as high as I will ever go. THAT is my two year plan.

Today I helped a friend who is making a piece of a costume for another friend. I went and spent time with her when I was done working because I had a meeting at 6. A guy friend of mine whom I haven't seen in awhile was off at 5:30 so I left with him and asked him if he wanted to take a walk. We walked and it was the highlight of my day. He's a good guy.

Today was a long, but good day.

Social

I think that as a society our idea of "social" is taking a downward spiral. I left social media with the idea that I will be more physically social with the people I have. Last night I had dinner with an old friend. This evening, I was invited to a dress rehearsal for the symphony so I invited a friend who works for a local tv station and has been hooking me up with free events for years. He was so grateful and spending the evening with him was wonderful.

Today I connected with 5 friends. I think that's a damn good start. Yesterday I connected with 1, but then texted 2 others and made dinner plans for next week and yoga plans for this weekend. I already feel more socially connected, while being "socially disconnected."

Here's where it gets tricky. I like to be alone. I'm afraid that keeping all of these connections is going to run me out of me time. I can't forget that connecting with myself is the most important connection I can make.

Everybody knows you've gotta breathe

Today at Target I bought rubber cement for my co-teacher and they needed my birthdate. The woman behind me said, "Maybe we should stop idiot proofing things and eventually they'll take care of themselves!" I liked her.

On my break, I went for a walk with a co-worker and she has been coming to me with her problems, but honestly this time I didn't have advice for her. I knew to say no when she asked me to solve it for her. But it seems like we have people trying to help children resolve conflicts who don't practice or even know how to practice it in their real lives.

I apologized to my best friend today. She's having a hard time too and I'm not sure why but I've been taking my bad attitude out on her. She acknowledged that I'm also having a hard time and that it was ok. I still don't feel right.

I'm having dinner with one of my former roommates next week. And my original gay boyfriend texted me today. I don't need facebook to talk to people, I need people to talk to people. I think I want to invite him for dinner tomorrow.

My productive "me" project today was going through my 2 craft boxes that I haven't unpacked in the 10 months I've lived here. I consolidated everything into 1 box, and used the second box to create "the project box." Some night I'll have people over and they can make whatever they want using the materials from inside the box. It might be fun to see what comes of it. I'll add more into the box as I go through more craft stuff.

I also got an idea for a project for the kids at school. I think I want to have one afternoon each week that is devoted to stickers. One of the projects will be to give the kids multiple stickers of each letter of their names, and they can peel them, recognize them, and maybe even spell their name? I have so many alphabet stickers. This will be awesome. Get rid of shit! It actually feels good to go through and get rid of stuff. I need to take the boxes in the back of my car to Goodwill this week. Let it go. Breathe.

I did it

 

So I've been thinking. I haven't been happy with my life in a long time. I also haven't changed much. So what little steps can I take to get myself into a more peaceful place in this world? Awhile ago, I decided that cable tv was wasting my time and money. So I dropped it, but it wasn't enough. Having moved twice in 4 months, my material life was a disaster. I still don't have it all together but I've made a HUGE dent and can only keep moving forward. Getting rid of things is hard. Especially for someone as nostalgic as myself. I am constantly telling myself that I need to get better at (insert menial task here.) I also have a list of projects that I need to get done longer than I can physically accomplish while still working full time and attempting a social life. So my next goal was to give up facebook. 

I joined facebook on October 21st, 2004. I bet you didn't even know facebook was around back then. It was only for select colleges, and I hesitated for about a week, but then I logged in and never looked back. Until recently.  One week from tomorrow would be my 9 year anniversary. I'd been thinking  that my new years resolution could be to deactivate my facebook and walk away for a year. Then I thought that I would do it on my 9th anniversary, and reactivate my account on my 10 year anniversary in 2014. 

Last night I deactivated my facebook. Sure, a little piece of me is sad. I won't get to see pictures and stories of my cousin's kids on the other side of the country. I won't share articles as a way to stay in touch with Aaron. I won't be able to organize craft nights with the girls as easily. I won't have my source of global news. On the other hand, I won't know when there are sporting events, I won't have other people's lives staring me in the face, I won't be able to judge people that I haven't seen in years, only to compare their successes to my own lack thereof. I want to spend more time alone. I know that sounds strange, but I really need to get away from people for awhile. 

So this morning, I woke up and the first thing I thought was, "day 1, no facebook." Sad, right? But honestly when I had cable, I used to wake up and turn on the tv. TV was then replaced with facebook. Instead of being alone today, I went over to a friend's house and we crafted. I painted the onesie seen above, while my friend worked on a couple things for her daughter. I hope that in this space, I will document for my own purposes the things that I accomplish, the projects I complete, and the positive relationships that I nourish while I am away from facebook.

So if and when I ever go through facebook withdrawals, I need to remind myself that the friends who want me, will call or text or email. There are other ways to get in touch with people, and if people don't make the effort, they must not really be my friend. I am doing this for me. I am giving myself  374 days. The days go by so fast, but I cannot wait to see how my life will be different by then. 

Will I... 

be back in school? 

be living in my current home?

still be single? 

be vegan?

still smoke?

lose weight?

be more financially responsible?

be in a better place mentally?

I guess we'll have to take the journey and find out. Adventure Time! Come'on grab a friend!