T-t-t-talk about the weather-r-r-r

They taught us to talk about the weather as chit-chat, but these days those conversations only turn into climate change, and eventually into the Apocalypse and finally the nature of Earth healing herself. 

Yesterday morning I brought a hairdryer into my room in an attempt to melt the snow on my skylight from underneath so that I could see the tree again. But it's been snowing and freezing rain for so long, it's no use. Although this morning I can see a little bit of the tree, and that makes me happy.

Yesterday I learned that I love the snow. And I proved it by inviting my crush to hike the butte with me in the snow. I've always wanted to and I know that he loves the snow and the butte, so it only seemed right. He asked if he could invite his roommate. They live in a house with a couple that is bringing everyone (even themselves) down. And I know that she likes to get out too. So despite every burning ounce of jealousy and mean, I had to remind myself that I'm not that girl. I've been that girl. And it only ends  up hurting me. They're friends. And if they're more than friends, then I'm just lucky to have my crush as a friend also. It's not a race to win people. It's an adventurous afternoon on a snowy mountain. The more, the merrier. He even gave me outs. "Be honest." "It's ok if you don't." But I did. It was the first time I had met one of his close friends. I wanted it.

Turns out, she's exactly as he said, "a swell lady." I like her. Why are girls meant to see each other as competitors? Why did it take me 30 years and 3 failed relationships to learn that jealous isn't healthy for anyone? I'm going to give myself a pass on the 3rd relationship though. He wanted to sleep with both of us, and I'm not into that. I have taken my failures and spun them as tales of win for myself. How did this make me a better person? How have I learned and moved forward? 

Today, I still have me. I'm not the girl I was when I was 15, or 21, or 27. I've grown.

And hiking the butte in the snow is one of my favorite accomplishments to this day.   

Anger

Today is my dad's birthday. I had a plan. I was going to work, and then head down there and surprise him. But at 4:02am, my neighbor decided to turn his music up all the way. I texted them 4 times and finally called the police. The police never came and they didn't turn off the music until 6:00am. Then I couldn't sleep. I was up for 2.5 hours in a night, and if you know me, I'm a sleeper. I depend on sleep and I go to bed early and I never get up in the night.
It was the worst 2.5 hours. See, I'm angry about a lot of things. I overstepped some boundaries with my crush Monday night, because it was my birthday and I was drunk. Wednesday I had my eval at work and my boss is horrible and I wanted to die or quit. But instead I had to go back into the classroom and pretend like everything was normal. I hate suppressing my emotions. Then at the same time, I am angry because my landlady sold this house. If she had told me that the house was on the market, I wouldn't have moved in.

I fucking love this house. It's mine. All by myself. Except for the douchebags next door. But I have a skylight over my bed. I love my skylight. I just fucking want my skylight. And my room. And the triangular step to the living room or bathroom. And my washing machine. And my wooden wall. I just don't want to move again.

I missed work today. I had an important meeting with a non-English speaking family, and one of my kids is moving to Guam, today was her last day. Not to mention it was my planning day, and after the crappy eval I had, I really needed that time to get my shit together.

But I'm fighting off illness and so tired. I just couldn't go. I barely got out of bed today. I'm so angry and they are trying to kiss my ass. I want them gone. And they just informed me that my noise complaint never stuck and the police never came, so they got away with it.

Maybe deep down, I didn't want to go to work anyway. Maybe I wanted to stay home and cry.