T-t-t-talk about the weather-r-r-r

They taught us to talk about the weather as chit-chat, but these days those conversations only turn into climate change, and eventually into the Apocalypse and finally the nature of Earth healing herself. 

Yesterday morning I brought a hairdryer into my room in an attempt to melt the snow on my skylight from underneath so that I could see the tree again. But it's been snowing and freezing rain for so long, it's no use. Although this morning I can see a little bit of the tree, and that makes me happy.

Yesterday I learned that I love the snow. And I proved it by inviting my crush to hike the butte with me in the snow. I've always wanted to and I know that he loves the snow and the butte, so it only seemed right. He asked if he could invite his roommate. They live in a house with a couple that is bringing everyone (even themselves) down. And I know that she likes to get out too. So despite every burning ounce of jealousy and mean, I had to remind myself that I'm not that girl. I've been that girl. And it only ends  up hurting me. They're friends. And if they're more than friends, then I'm just lucky to have my crush as a friend also. It's not a race to win people. It's an adventurous afternoon on a snowy mountain. The more, the merrier. He even gave me outs. "Be honest." "It's ok if you don't." But I did. It was the first time I had met one of his close friends. I wanted it.

Turns out, she's exactly as he said, "a swell lady." I like her. Why are girls meant to see each other as competitors? Why did it take me 30 years and 3 failed relationships to learn that jealous isn't healthy for anyone? I'm going to give myself a pass on the 3rd relationship though. He wanted to sleep with both of us, and I'm not into that. I have taken my failures and spun them as tales of win for myself. How did this make me a better person? How have I learned and moved forward? 

Today, I still have me. I'm not the girl I was when I was 15, or 21, or 27. I've grown.

And hiking the butte in the snow is one of my favorite accomplishments to this day.   

Anger

Today is my dad's birthday. I had a plan. I was going to work, and then head down there and surprise him. But at 4:02am, my neighbor decided to turn his music up all the way. I texted them 4 times and finally called the police. The police never came and they didn't turn off the music until 6:00am. Then I couldn't sleep. I was up for 2.5 hours in a night, and if you know me, I'm a sleeper. I depend on sleep and I go to bed early and I never get up in the night.
It was the worst 2.5 hours. See, I'm angry about a lot of things. I overstepped some boundaries with my crush Monday night, because it was my birthday and I was drunk. Wednesday I had my eval at work and my boss is horrible and I wanted to die or quit. But instead I had to go back into the classroom and pretend like everything was normal. I hate suppressing my emotions. Then at the same time, I am angry because my landlady sold this house. If she had told me that the house was on the market, I wouldn't have moved in.

I fucking love this house. It's mine. All by myself. Except for the douchebags next door. But I have a skylight over my bed. I love my skylight. I just fucking want my skylight. And my room. And the triangular step to the living room or bathroom. And my washing machine. And my wooden wall. I just don't want to move again.

I missed work today. I had an important meeting with a non-English speaking family, and one of my kids is moving to Guam, today was her last day. Not to mention it was my planning day, and after the crappy eval I had, I really needed that time to get my shit together.

But I'm fighting off illness and so tired. I just couldn't go. I barely got out of bed today. I'm so angry and they are trying to kiss my ass. I want them gone. And they just informed me that my noise complaint never stuck and the police never came, so they got away with it.

Maybe deep down, I didn't want to go to work anyway. Maybe I wanted to stay home and cry.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

I was having a dream where I had been standing in a drug store staring at a bottle of red liquid, going over my symptoms in my head for the longest time. I was wearing a sleeping bag over my clothes. Aaron came in and I didn't say anything to him. I was scared people would know I was stoned. As I debated between the red liquid and any other option, I also grabbed something else, waited in line, and was right behind Aaron, but we still didn't talk. I guess maybe he could tell something was wrong. He'd look at me and raise his eyebrows. I'm sure I looked like the wrath of G-d.
When I left the store, my car was in a garage type thing and as I unlocked my car, I had a pizza that was huge so I hit the button to unlock the back doors and as I opened the back door and slid the pizza in, I noticed the door on the other side was open. I walked around, closed it, and when I came back to the driver door, my cat Kizzy was there. I got in and suddenly my car was out in the open, in the snow, and I kept having to back up and turn 90 degrees until I was completely turned around. Then I saw Alison's car pull in, but she didn't see me. As I was driving, I was telling Kizzy that I used to live in this neighborhood and I had forgotten that the street was bark dust. I was going to turn right, but there was a big red truck coming from the left so I decided to wait. I looked to the right and saw a cartoonish looking turkey, and he was going to attempt to cross the street. He took some deep breaths as the truck came closer, then he ran. As he ran, I was sure he was going to make it, until the truck veered to hit him. I heard the driver yell, "Hey Mitch, look and see if I got the turkey," as he drove off. I went running over and saw that the bird was no longer red and yellow or turkey, but a little brown wren like bird, and it was holding it's left leg. It had ended up on a fence post. I must have been on a bike because I offered it a wheel, and it extended it's hollow snout where a beak once was, and it sniffed, stepped on and hopped down to the ground. I put my hand in my sleeve and offered it my arm to sniff. It used it's snout like a trunk and suctioned itself to the fabric of my red fleece jacket. I asked if it was ok and it told me that it couldn't see. But it was telepathic. I picked up the bird and found the closest neighbor, at the house where the turkey had crossed from. I asked him if the turkey was his and he said no. I picked up the bird and thought, "I want to keep it."

Then my alarm went off and I woke up in a feverish sweat.

Fool in the Rain

Today I was requested to write a letter of rec for a colleague, whom I admire. But then I think about how wonderful it will be to have that individual out of my life. I feel like this is one of those blessings in a small package. I can speak my peace and move on. And I can rest assured that they have moved on in a way that makes them happiest.

I have been off of Facebook for a little over a month now. Sometimes I think that I should just break down and go back. Catch up with my family and friends. I missed the death of a friend's Grandmother. I missed a string of tornadoes in the mid-west that effected my aunt and her family. I missed photos from a friend's trip to Iceland.

I am caught up on all of my shows. New Girl, Parenthood, How I Met Your Mother, and a couple others. I tried watching Portlandia, but it really isn't funny to me. I can understand how it could be funny to someone who doesn't really know. I learned today that Seattle elected a socialist to a seat on their city council. I'm glad that someone is awake and paying attention.

I started a scrapbook tonight. Throwing things away keeps getting easier. And the things that I have to keep, I'm putting them in a book. It's working. I've found stickers and I stuck them to the book. Stickers I could only buy once, because they are from France and Germany. But I figured it was better to stick them somewhere, than let them sit in a drawer and rot. I believe that I can empty the bottom right drawer into the scrap book and my cloud box. It will be my place for things of my past that still feel like me. Things that still bring me joy to look through. I'm never happier than when I'm going through these things. If they don't make me happy, I am getting better at throwing them away. If they do make me happy, I put them in the book. Something I can flip through and remember.

Tonight, my aforementioned crush asked me to do something tomorrow night. I cannot believe that I said no. I'm going to see a performance of "American Idiot" on stage. I think it will be good. I wonder if it will be better than hanging out with Patrick. Spending time with him isn't as glamorous as I like to think it is. Usually we get high and I close myself off and become completely insecure and I hang on every word and over analyze what he could mean by simple things such as "I'm hungry" or "Would you like more water."

I drink a lot of water. More than I ever have before in my life. One day this year, the Saturday of Labor Dave, I drank 64oz in 12 hours. I think I hit the Honey Buckets at least 6 times. When I'm nervous or insecure, I drink even more. Of course I'd like more water. Drown me already.

This house has nearly served it's purpose. I told myself 3 years. I could have 3 years. 10 months later I am ready for the next challenge. I'm quite proud of how much I'm letting go. It won't be so hard to move. There isn't as much this time around. Not like last time.

I'm looking to move into a studio. I just want one room of my things. I think I need to take some measurements. I do have a lot of big furniture. My art table seems more natural in a living space. More likely to inspire others to create. I bet I have 420sqft of furniture. I might have to let go of a couple chairs.

Last winter we invented the best drinking game for this space. I am determined to play it one more time before I leave. I just wish that I could have the house to myself every once in awhile.    

Proud

Today I'm really proud of myself. I don't get to say that very often, but today I was motivated and bold, and both served me well.

Sometimes, I get competitive. I don't have a degree, but I have a job and cannot justify going back to school in this economy. Luckily the state of Oregon agrees and has developed a Professional Development program in my field. It not only looks at the college courses I have taken, but also takes into consideration the seminars and conferences that I attend regularly, and gives me a "step." Yes, it's a 12 step program. Eventually you will have to have a certain step in order to work. I am ahead of the game. I am at a higher step than I need, and today I learned that my direct co-worker is not even close. Somehow that pushed me to try even harder. If she's not going to shine, I need to shine again and prove myself. So I gathered all of my information and I will be registering for the next "step" this week. There is a $500 award for achieving a new step. One year from now, I will turn in additional courses and such, and will be awarded an additional $500 for making it as high as I will ever go. THAT is my two year plan.

Today I helped a friend who is making a piece of a costume for another friend. I went and spent time with her when I was done working because I had a meeting at 6. A guy friend of mine whom I haven't seen in awhile was off at 5:30 so I left with him and asked him if he wanted to take a walk. We walked and it was the highlight of my day. He's a good guy.

Today was a long, but good day.

Social

I think that as a society our idea of "social" is taking a downward spiral. I left social media with the idea that I will be more physically social with the people I have. Last night I had dinner with an old friend. This evening, I was invited to a dress rehearsal for the symphony so I invited a friend who works for a local tv station and has been hooking me up with free events for years. He was so grateful and spending the evening with him was wonderful.

Today I connected with 5 friends. I think that's a damn good start. Yesterday I connected with 1, but then texted 2 others and made dinner plans for next week and yoga plans for this weekend. I already feel more socially connected, while being "socially disconnected."

Here's where it gets tricky. I like to be alone. I'm afraid that keeping all of these connections is going to run me out of me time. I can't forget that connecting with myself is the most important connection I can make.

Everybody knows you've gotta breathe

Today at Target I bought rubber cement for my co-teacher and they needed my birthdate. The woman behind me said, "Maybe we should stop idiot proofing things and eventually they'll take care of themselves!" I liked her.

On my break, I went for a walk with a co-worker and she has been coming to me with her problems, but honestly this time I didn't have advice for her. I knew to say no when she asked me to solve it for her. But it seems like we have people trying to help children resolve conflicts who don't practice or even know how to practice it in their real lives.

I apologized to my best friend today. She's having a hard time too and I'm not sure why but I've been taking my bad attitude out on her. She acknowledged that I'm also having a hard time and that it was ok. I still don't feel right.

I'm having dinner with one of my former roommates next week. And my original gay boyfriend texted me today. I don't need facebook to talk to people, I need people to talk to people. I think I want to invite him for dinner tomorrow.

My productive "me" project today was going through my 2 craft boxes that I haven't unpacked in the 10 months I've lived here. I consolidated everything into 1 box, and used the second box to create "the project box." Some night I'll have people over and they can make whatever they want using the materials from inside the box. It might be fun to see what comes of it. I'll add more into the box as I go through more craft stuff.

I also got an idea for a project for the kids at school. I think I want to have one afternoon each week that is devoted to stickers. One of the projects will be to give the kids multiple stickers of each letter of their names, and they can peel them, recognize them, and maybe even spell their name? I have so many alphabet stickers. This will be awesome. Get rid of shit! It actually feels good to go through and get rid of stuff. I need to take the boxes in the back of my car to Goodwill this week. Let it go. Breathe.